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Thursday 12 December 2013

A Kitten's 12 Days of Christmas Mischief

On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me...  
A batch of my special hand-print cookies.
I had turned my back to grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second, Holly climbed onto the table, poked her paw into the delightfully kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three slabs of butter.... Of course, it would have been cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies. 
  
On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me.... 
On a trip to our local veterinary surgery.
Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline taste appeal? I didn't. Damages: £25 for the vet’s trip, £36 for anaesthesia so the veterinary surgeon could take £55 worth of x-rays in case Holly had taste-tested any other Christmas decorations, and… a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet removed the 3' curly ‘tail’ in slightly less than two seconds by tugging at it with a pair of tweezers. 
  
On the third day of Christmas, my kitten wrecked for me... 
13 ornaments on my Christmas tree.
My mistake was forgetting to chain the decorations to the branches. My other error was leaving the room to go to the bathroom while Holly feigned sleeping under the tree. How was I to know the kitten was actually measuring its’ climbing potential? Value of broken bulbs? £17.50 plus vat.  

On the fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for me... 
A statue in my Nativity.
Would you believe now we only have two Wise men plus a headless fella? Nativity figurine: £55.99 
   
On the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten scratched for me... 
The kid across the street who collects for charity.
 It was an accident. She merely wanted to reach out and touch someone. Unfortunately, she used a unsheathed claw to do so. I settled out-of-court for the cost of a jacket to replace the boy's blood-stained one, and made a hefty donation to the charity of their choice. Although the amount must remain secret according to our settlement, let me put it this way. Think: Major Windfall! 
   
On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me... 
The presents beneath my Christmas tree.
It was only two, really. While doing some early shopping at a well-known discount store, I purchased a catnip mouse for Holly's stocking. Apparently, anything in the same bag as catnip takes on its potent aroma for a very long time. Replacement costs: £3.99 for another roll of Christmas wrapping paper, £4.50 for two empty boxes, £1 each, for the kind of bows Holly can't unravel. 
    
On the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for me... 
The earrings I bought for my sister Mary.
Actually, it was one earring but since Mary doesn't have a hole in her nose or navel, a pair of matching earrings does make a more appealing gift. Sale price: £29.95 plus vat. 
  
On the eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped me... 
Replace my E and G guitar strings.
Would you believe a kitten could fit into the itty-bitty hole in the middle of my Yamaha guitar? Neither could I, but Holly thought so. And she succeeded once she got those rascally strings out of the way. Unfortunately, her little rear end couldn't get out the way she came in. After paying through the whiskers for her previous escapades, I would have been willing to leave her in the guitar for the duration of the holiday season, except that she chose to get stuck two hours before I was due at the nursing home for our annual Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings: £12.95; jar of petroleum jelly: £1.20. 
   
On the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for me... 
My Christmas card list when she walked across my computer's delete key.
Cost for call to Computer Country's 0800/help line: £17.50. And I still don't know what happened to the listings of B through H. 
  
On the tenth day of Christmas, my kitten hid from me..... 
The remote control from my 13-inch TV.
This wouldn't be such a disaster if she hadn't previously stolen the power knob. I missed a week's worth of Christmas specials, including my all-time favourite, "It's a Wonderful Life." Rental of "It's a Wonderful Life": £5; purchase of book, "Good owners, great cats": £24.95. Unfortunately, it doesn’t  even mention the psychological profile of kittens with kleptomania. 
    
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for me..... 
The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey.
OK, OK, So this one time it was my fault. I knew I never should have uttered those now infamous words: "Your first turkey, Holly. Want to try just a little piece?" Cost: Christmas Dinner. 
    
On the twelfth day of Christmas........ 
Holly rested.

And so, thank goodness, did my VISA card.

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